Letting Go and Coming Back
by Irelah
Summary: The one who got away . . . The one who almost was . . . The one you can’t forget. A Bella and Edward story about what happens when you finally feel ready to move on and “he” comes knocking on your door and turns out to be an ass. All Human.
1. Yet Another Coincidence

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or its characters; Stephanie Meyer does. I also do not own the words or music to "My Hands are Shaking" those belong to Sondre Lerche.

A/N: Hi. Well this is a bit like addressing an empty auditorium. . . This is my first attempt at writing/posting fan fiction and I'd like to thank those who encouraged me to put myself and my words out there, especially Jessica. Please note that this story is rated M. The Bella and Edward in this story are adults and as such they find themselves in adult situations and use adult language. If you're not old enough to read this kind of stuff then please stop reading now. Thanks. I don't have a beta, which maybe horrifically obvious as you read this chapter. As soon as, I click the "Publish New Story" button I'm cracking open a bottle of $8 champagne to celebrate my moment of bravery (or possibly insanity?).

* * *

My hands are shaking  
From carrying this torch  
From carrying this torch for you

My head is where  
It's always been  
If only I knew where

My feet can't stand  
their ground no more  
It seems that I don't care -"My Hands are Shaking" by Sondre Lerche

Bpov

I had always loved life's little coincidences. You know those moments where everything just comes together to create a totally unexpected and in my case often awkward moment? Yeah, they happened to me _all the time_.

Once while wandering around Amsterdam trying to find The Anne Frank House, I stopped into a "coffee shop" to get directions and there was my third grade teacher, Mrs. Densely, finishing a joint. Actually, looking back it explained a lot, I mean how many other children were taught cursive through interpretive dance? I still remember her spinning around the room saying things like: "The letters are loopy! Make your bodies loopy too!" Turned out the letters weren't the only things loopy in that class. But when that faithful knock came, it wasn't Mrs. Densely I was thinking about.

I had just moved into my new apartment a few days ago and as such I was busy unpacking. I was hoping it would be my last move for a while. I'd gotten the big stuff out of the way in the past few days, the kitchen was basically done and the furniture was all arranged to mine and Cooper's liking. I don't know why I was surprised but it turned out that he had very strong opinions on what should go where. All I really had left to do was to launch an attack the boxes holding all the memorabilia, art, and knickknacks that would change my apartment into a home.

After a quick breakfast of instant oatmeal and a shower; I'd thrown on a pair of yoga pants, a camisole, and my college sweatshirt since I was having trouble figuring out how to control the air conditioning. In deference to my sweatshirt and some of the things I knew I'd be sorting through, I called up the "college" playlist on my trusty iPod. I found that unpacking is easier when I have the likes of John Mayer, Lifehouse, Jason Mraz, and Maroon 5 providing comforting background noise. I had been really productive until lunch, all of those boxes had held been filled with books, CDs, and DVDs. I placed them on shelves according to my own specific arrangement style, which didn't always make sense to other people but made perfect sense to me.

The unpacking went much slower after lunch. I kept getting caught up in looking through individual pictures and reliving the memories preserved in them. It didn't help that I had to spend so much time trying to convince Cooper that no matter how delicious those photographs might smell to his little doggy nose, they were not for eating. Cooper was a miniature dachshund. He was one of the few beings on the planet that was more stubborn than I was, which was one of the reasons I loved him. Well that and the unconditional love. Coop was a rescue dog, so he had a lot of issues and it took him ages to trust me, but once he did . . . It was like he was so unbelievably thankful that he totally adored me. It broke my heart to think of what his first home must have been like. I hated people who mistreat animals with a passion. But unconditional love and adoration or no, he was not getting any of my pictures.

I had been staring at a picture of Alice, Angela, Rose, and myself at our freshmen year homecoming game. I was actually wearing the same sweatshirt, as I was in the picture; of course it was pristine then. I just couldn't believe how disconnected I felt to that version of me. The picture was nearly ten years old. Life had seemed so simple at eighteen.

I was nearing thirty at an alarming rate and with the benefit of life experience I'd learned that nothing works out the way you expect. Eighteen year old Bella had believed in true love, great sex, and that tequila shots were always a good idea. At nearly twenty-eight I knew that true loved didn't exist, at least not for me and that tequila was send by the Devil. Thankfully I'd never been given a reason to doubt sex.

I was just trying to decide exactly how much larger my ass was when compared to the picture, when someone knocked on my door. Cooper immediately started barking his little head off and charged for the door.

"Cooper! No! Quite!" I shouted as I lunged after him. I didn't want the neighbors to start complaining about him in the first week.

I made a grab for him, but he dodged out of my hands and doubled back towards the pictures I'd abandoned. He grabbed one in his teeth, ran a couple more feet before dropping it and rolling around on it to get the smell all over him. I suddenly remembered catching Charlie rubbing one of those cologne samples that come in the paper on his neck and shirt before a date with Sue. Luckily the picture Cooper had stolen was a landscape shot from when I had studied abroad in Ireland junior year and I had a copy of it, so I figured it would at least keep him occupied while I answered the door. I couldn't stop my giggle at the memory and Cooper's cuteness.

I looked through the peephole and suddenly every thought in my head disappeared except one: _Holy. Shit._

There he was: the hair, the eyes, the shoulders, and that smirk; all there and all the same. How was that even possible?! My hand reached for the deadbolt and threw it back. He must have heard it because he quickly schooled his features into that panty melting half smile I remembered so well. Then with the force of a tsunami it all came back to me: everything he'd said and done and everything my friends had said about him. For the first time I realized it was all true. He was in fact a totally useless manipulative bastard, and just like that I was free.

I felt my own smirk emerge as I opened the door and leaned against the doorjamb.

"Well if it isn't Edward 'Fucking' Cullen."

Epov

I'd never been happier to talk to the noisy Mrs. Cope than when she informed me that a new girl would be moving in down the hall from me. I made sure to keep an eye out to see if I could catch a glimpse of her so I could decide if I wanted to make a move or not. Sadly, I had only seen her from the back when she was taking her little rat of a dog out, but it was enough to know that she had long dark wavy hair and a sweet ass. That was all the information I needed.

My plan was simple, I'd wait a few days then head over with a six-pack of imported beer (it makes me look well traveled, chicks dig that) and introduce myself. She'd be neighborly and invite me in to share and if she wasn't ugly I'd join her. Poor thing, she didn't even stand a chance.

I was feeling great about The Plan as I walked to her door. After I knocked, I could her little rat yip and her yell at it through the door. I didn't even try to stop the smirk from forming on my lips. Every guy knows that girls who live alone with little dogs are always in need of some companionship.

When I heard her unlock the door I quickly dropped the smirk in favor of my famous half smile or The Panty Melter as it had been dubbed in college.

The door opened and for a second I thought I was back in college, standing in a dorm hallway.

She looked great, hell she looked amazing. Her hair was longer, but the eyes and lips were still the same. She was even wearing that sweatshirt, how the fuck did she still have that thing?!

"Well if it isn't Edward 'Fucking' Cullen."

Her voice was just like I remembered it, only somehow it was sexier, like the rest of her. Before I could close my mouth or even think of a semi-intelligent response, she had spotted the beer. With that smirk still in full force she snatched the six-pack form my hand.

"Oh are these for me? Thanks Eddie. Bye." She purred and shut the damn door in my face.

Fuck. Me.

"No" whispered my bad side "fuck _her_."


	2. Victory Beer

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or its characters; Stephanie Meyer does. I also do not own the words or music to "Love Song for No One" those belong to John Mayer.

A/N: Hello again. It's nice to know the auditorium isn't totally empty after all. Still no beta, so I apologize for any mistakes you may come across. Once again, special thanks to Jessica for all the encouragement and putting up with my crazy. After posting this chapter I'm going to enjoy my own personal bottle of victory beer. Feel free to join me, assuming of course that you're old enough.

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Staying home alone on a Friday  
Flat on the floor looking back  
On old love  
Or lack thereof  
After all the crushes have faded  
And all my wishful thinking was wrong  
I'm jaded  
I hate it -"Love Song for No One" by John Mayer

**Bpov**

"Hey, Bella. What's up?"

"Alice?"

"Yeah" She laughed. "You called me remember?"

"Oh, right. I love you, Alice."

"Ooookay? Well if that's all . . .?"

"No! No, umm I have a question to ask you. Hang on, it'll come to me." I took another sip of my victory beer and remembered the look on Edward's stupid face, his stupid pretty face.

"Hello? How long do you need to think? Why the hell are you laughing? What's _going on_? Bella?!"

"Here! What do you want?

"What do I wa-"

"Shhh! Alice, I totally remember what I wanted to ask you! Ready?"

"YES! Hurry the fuck up!"

"Fine! You don't have to be a bitch about it."

" . . ."

". . ."

"Bella, will you please stop pouting and ask your damn question? I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"Okay. Thanks. Sorry. Alice, how stupid am I?"

"I'm pretty sure the question should be: 'Alice how drunk am I?' because if I had to guess, I'd say 'very.' So to what do I own the pleasure of having you drunk dial me at 6:30 on this beautiful Thursday evening?"

"Umm I guess you could blame it on my victory beer?" I realized that I had finished off the fifth bottle and had no choice but to open the last one. I wondered if I could get the bottles bronzed like baby shoes. I bet they'd look wicked cool with some backlighting.

"What's Victory Beer? Is that come kind of microbrew?"

"Silly Alice! Its victory beer because I took it from Edward while his brain imploded, dumb beautiful brain-imploded Edward."

"Edward? Edward who?"

"You sound like a knock-knock joke." I giggled. "Edward, you know Edward."

"_Edward_ Edward?"

"Yes."

"Edward Cullen?"

"Yes Ma'am."

"Edward from college?"

"Yeah."

"The Edward you facebook stalk and google once a week?"

"Oh come on! It's not facebook stalking if he doesn't have a facebook page! If he had one I wouldn't have to google him, not that anything ever pops up. Besides, I only do it like every other month, _not_ once a week."

"Michael Edward?"

"Yes! What part of this aren't you getting? Although I don't think we should call him that anymore. He doesn't deserve any kind of nickname from us unless it's something like Jackass or Asshat or anything with 'ass' in it."

I thought about how Edward had received his nickname. It had been during the first week of freshman year and it was the first time Alice, Rosalie, and Angela met him. I'd actually met him a couple days earlier and had mentioned to them that I'd briefly talked to a good looking bronze haired guy. We had filled our lunch trays in the UC and were looking for some open seats when I'd spotted him sitting alone at the end of one of the long tables. After I'd pointed him out to the girls they had demanded that we go sit with him. I'd sucked it up and attempted to boldly lead the way, telling myself that it was just another way to fulfill the promise I'd made myself before leaving for orientation.

I'd smiled at him as we'd walked up to the table, he'd smiled back and I'd felt myself start to blush. I'd asked if we could join him, in response he'd lazily waved his hand at the seats around him in invitation. After we'd settled in, it had fallen on me to make the introductions when it had suddenly occurred to me that I couldn't remember his name! I didn't even know if we'd bothered to exchange them. I'd started with the girls while wracking my obviously flawed brain trying to come up with his name.

"Well Bella aren't you going to introduce me?" he'd asked raising an eyebrow.

Fuck! If he'd known my name then we must have introduced ourselves at some point. I'd quickly blurted out the first name I could think of.

"Of course, umm girls this is Michael?" Okay so it had been more of a question than a statement and I had used the name of the quarterback from Forks High that I'd sort of dated for a while, but there was still a chance I'd gotten his name right.

He'd leaned back in his chair with a smirk on his lips and a twinkle in those sizzling green eyes. He'd nodded at me before taking a big bite out of his sandwich. I had forced myself relax and enjoy the meal, clearly if he hadn't corrected me than I'd gotten lucky. The conversation had been fairly simple, but enjoyable. Who was signed up for what classes? Which dorm did everyone live in? What were we thinking of majoring in and why?

Lunch had ended sooner than I'd hoped but we'd all still been talking as we walked out of the dining hall. Rose had started a game of discreetly-kick-your-friend-in-the-ass-while-walking-and-blame-it-on-someone-else, by nailing Alice and blaming it on me. I'd turned to the boy next to me in the hopes of avoiding getting kicked.

"Well it was cool seeing you again and eating lunch with you. You should sit with us again sometime, Michael."

"Actually, it's Edward." He'd said with a grin and kicked me in the ass.

I'd been so shocked that that I'd forgotten to keep walking, but it hadn't mattered since everyone else was laughing too hard to walk. I'd felt my face flush again this time in shame.

"Oh, God! I'm so sorry! I'm such a jerk!"

"Don't worry about it." He'd laughed it off. "You gave me the opening and I had to take it. Just remember from now: Edward. Okay?"

"Edward. Sure. Got it."

We'd finally started walking again, when I'd noticed Edward was distracted by a squirrel that had run across the path in front of us. I'd seized the opportunity to get a little revenge by returning the kick. Sadly, I'd forgotten to take into account our height differences and the fact that I was a total klutz. My kick must have landed slightly lower than I'd been aiming, if his sudden howl of pain and immediate bending over to rub his hamstring had been anything to go by.

"What the fuck did you do that for?!"

"I . . . but you . . . it was supposed to be . . . oh crap. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to hurt you. Are you okay?" I'd asked lamely.

"Well I would be if you just kept your damn feet on the ground!"

He'd taken a few experimental steps and there'd been a pronounced limp to his gait.

"Do you want me to go back in and get you some ice or something?"

"No, I'm sure it'll be fine. I'll just man up and walk it off."

He'd walked us girls back to our dorm before heading off to his, limping the whole way. In fact, he'd still been limping the next day when I'd run into him while walking across campus. I'd felt terrible for most of the day until I'd caught him walking totally limp free from a classroom. When he'd realized that the game was over, he'd just looked sheepish and shrugged his shoulders. Then he'd asked me if I wanted to grab some dinner. At the time I had thought it was great that he had such a keen sense of humor and assumed that his dedication to jokes must extend to other things in life, like maybe adoration for a future girlfriend. Now it was just another time he'd messed with my head.

"So you want revoke his nickname? Fine, it was kind of shitty anyway. Where did you run into him? And why do you think you're stupid?"

"He showed up at my door and he was wearing that smile."

"The Panty Melter?"

"That's the one. I looked through the peephole and it was like I really _saw_ him for the first time. I saw past his hot body and lickable mouth and there was all the crap you used to warn me about. So I opened the door and stole me some victory beer before he could react. Seriously Alice, how could I not have seen it before? I never thought I'd be one of those girls who were dumb enough to be suckered by a pretty face."

"Oh honey, you're not stupid! You were just smitten, it happens to the best of us. Look at Anne Hathaway; she dated that guy who turned out to be an art thief or something. Besides, some of it is our fault. After what happened with James, we all saw how you used the idea of Edward as a shield and we just decided to let you keep your illusions. It's just that by the time you didn't need the shield anymore it was too late to try and change your mind."

"Okay, well I think that I've had enough beer and of this conversation. I'm going to get some food and water in me, take Cooper out for the night, and then call it an early night. I'll talk to you later."

"Bella . . . I didn't mean to upset you."

"I know."

"Are we still on for your apartment warming party on Saturday?"

"Yeah, although I don't know why I should throw a party for you bums, when none of you helped me move." I forced myself to joke. It was my way of breaking the tension and letting her know that we were okay, that I would be okay.

Alice let out a small laugh, it sounded a bit forced to me, but I appreciated the effort just like I was sure she'd appreciated mine. "Well, that's what happens when you hire professionals to haul all your crap across the country, arrive on a Monday and then demand that no one can see your place until you're done unpacking. You're such a weird little perfectionist!"

"When you put it like that I guess it makes more sense. I'll see you then. Tell Jazz I said 'hi.'"

"Will do and Bella, you know call me anytime right?"

"Yeah I know why do you think I just drunk dialed your ass? Now stop talking to me so I can eat something. Bye Al."

"Bye B."

I sighed and dropped the phone next to me on the couch. Well, that had totally killed my buzz. I looked at the liquid left in my bottle and decided to chug the rest. There was no way in hell that I was going waste any of my victory beer, even if it did seem a little too bitter now. I set the bottle down on the coffee table and marveled at how the bottles had arranged themselves into a perfect triangle. For a moment, I imagined smashing them to create a physical analogy of how my illusions of Edward had been shattered earlier. But then I remembered that I was going to get them bronzed and backlit. That shit was going to look fucking awesome. I snickered to myself as I forced my body away from the gravitational pull of the couch.

"Come on Cooper, let's get some dinner."

**Epov**

I wasn't stalking Bella. The word stalking implied that I was proactively searching her out and watching her every move. I was merely sitting near the door so that if she happened to walk past while taking her little mutt out then maybe I'd hear her and I'd get another chance to look at her. Alright so I knew she had to take her stupid little dog out at some point, but that didn't make me a stalker either. At least I was pretty sure it didn't. Hell this time I might even get my shit together enough to actually _talk _to her, provided that she didn't look too pissy of course.

Now all I needed was for her to walk down the damn hallway. The past half a dozen times or so that I'd raced to the door since moving a dining room chair closer to the door someone else had come down the hallway. Well except for that last time; fuck if I hadn't imagined the sound of someone in the hall. I scrubbed my face with my hands and groaned. What I really needed was to re-grow my balls since they had clearly fallen off sometime in the past few hours, and to stop being such a fucking pussy.

While I'd waited for her to make an appearance my mind had wandered back to the first and last times I'd talked to her.

The first time had been on a set of bleachers on the deck of the university's pool. We'd been waiting for the informational meeting that had preceded the first swim team practice of the year to start. We had both arrived early and were the only ones on the deck except the extremely bored looking lifeguard. She'd looked so hot in her little racing suit with an old pair of shorts that had barely covered her ass that I'd sat down right next to her and started talking, manners be damned. I'd asked if she was new to the team like I was. She'd just nodded and proceeded to nibble on her lower lip. I'd almost growled in frustration, I'd wanted to hear her voice! She'd looked more nervous than I'd expected and I'd hoped it wasn't because of me. Concerned and hoping for a vocal answer, I'd asked her if she'd swam in high school, I couldn't imagine anyone just walking onto a college team without any competitive experience, even if we were just a Division 3 school but maybe the chick was crazy.

She'd snorted at the stupidity of my question and told me that she'd swam for her school in some tiny little bum-fuck town (my words, not hers) called Forks out on the peninsula. She'd spoken quietly and I'm sure if I hadn't been so busy watching her mouth form the vowels and consonants, I'd have been equally entranced by her voice. She'd mumbled something about the water being the only place she was graceful, whatever the hell that meant. I hadn't really been listening as my focus had shifted from her mouth to discreetly checking out her rack. To keep her from noticing, I'd asked her why she looked so nervous. She'd told me that she wasn't sure she wanted do deal with the time commitment and that she didn't know if she could take smelling like chlorine for another four years. I'd laughed even though she'd been totally serious. There was nothing sexy about reeking of pool. While we'd been talking the rest of the team had trickled in around us. As the meeting got started I'd nudged her with my shoulder and whispered my name. She'd frowned distractedly and murmured hers in return. It had suited her then and it still did now.

The last time I'd talked to her was at graduation. I'd been waiting for Bella to show up by loitering on the chapel steps, just out of the light rain that was falling, again. Of course it had rained on graduation day when we'd had to fucking process across campus in our ugly ass robes it was Washington after all. When she'd finally arrived I'd noticed two things immediately; she was sporting a new black cast on her right arm and instead of looking excited like I'd expected, she'd looked sad and confused. The cast hadn't really been all that surprising, after four years of friendship I'd come to totally understand her statement about only being graceful in the pool. In some ways it had actually been more surprising that she'd made it to graduation alive. Judging from her expression and the swipe that she'd taken at me with said cast, she hadn't found my observation nearly as funny as I had.

I'd tried to lighten the mood and commiserate with her confusion by donning a big stupid grin and confiding the fact that I had no idea what was going on around us. I probably should have read the graduation packet before going to the gathering point, but I'd known Bella would have the thing memorized and I'd just assumed she'd fill me in. Instead she'd let out an annoyed huff and asked if me I was drunk or high.

What. The. Fuck.

Okay so everyone on campus had known that the drinking team had a swimming problem and Bella knew that I'd usually gotten high a few times a week, but still graduation had been a big deal for me and I'd wanted to remember all of it. How could she not have known that about me? I'd snapped that I was neither, just confused about what we were supposed to be doing next. Then I'd turned and stalked away from her.

I'd thought that I would see her later at the party Rosalie and Alice had thrown at their house and we'd work things out just like every other time we'd pissed each other off, but when I'd asked Alice where she was I'd been told that Bella had caught a plane down to Florida shortly after the ceremony. It had always bothered me that our last conversation hadn't ended with an exchange of goodbyes or well wishes but with anger instead.

I knew that it was probably my fault that we hadn't talked again. She'd sent me a couple of emails but I'd never gotten around to opening them and then one day I'd gone to log into my account and found that it had been deleted. How the hell was I supposed to know that our emails accounts would only be open for three months after graduation? I'd thought that shit was for life. It had probably been in that damn packet.

Now I had a chance to make it right. Bella and I could reconnect and maybe connect in some news ways too, if she'd just come out of her fucking apartment. She'd seemed so different from the sweet always blushing girl I'd known back then and I interested to see just how much she'd actually changed.


	3. Assward

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or its characters; Stephanie Meyer does. I also do not own the words or music to "Barracuda" those belong to Ann Wilson, Nancy Wilson, Roger Fisher, Michael DeRoiser, and Sue Ennis. In my humble opinion the song was best preformed by Heart.

A/N: Greetings. I'm totally serious about Heart performing it best. Don't even think of coming at me with Fergie. I decided to shake things up a little with this chapter; you'll see what I mean. Still no beta, so againI apologize for any mistakes you may come across. Special thanks go once more to Jessica for being my biggest supporter in this endeavor. Thank you also to lovedreamlust3 for the review. No champagne or victory beer today, I'll be celebrating with a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food. Yum.

* * *

So this ain't the end

I saw you again- today  
I had to turn my heart away  
You smiled like the sun- kisses for everyone  
And tales- it never fails!

You're lying so low in the weeds  
I bet you're gonna ambush me  
You'd have me down, down, down, down on my knees  
Now wouldn't you, barracuda? -"Barracuda" by Heart

**Epov**

I was one lucky son of a bitch. All the classic signs were there, but just to be safe I ran through the checklist one last time.

Flushed cheeks? Check, but inconclusive.

Weaving and walking into things like walls and doorknobs? Check, but again not extraordinary. Bella wasn't exactly a bastion of balance and grace.

Alternating between mumbling and almost yelling? Check, now that was a pretty clear sign.

Wild hand gestures accompanying the talking? Check, Bella had always been a bit of a "hand talker" but when she got drunk or wound up about something, the gestures got totally out of control. I tried to contain my laughter as I watched her tug her poor mutt around, she didn't seem notice that the handle of the leash was clutched tightly in her right hand.

No shoes? Big check there. Whenever she'd gotten drunk in college she'd always taken off her shoes. It had quickly become a sign amongst her friends, when the shoes came off it was time to cut off her access to the alcohol or else the next step in the night would be holding her hair back while she threw up in the bushes. One of my all favorite memories of Bella was when she'd drunkenly tried to explain, with wildly exaggerated gestures, that her feet _needed_ freedom. She'd argued that freedom was the right of all feet and if I didn't believe her I should check the constitution. It had been so damn cute that I hadn't bothered to argue with her. The only downside of her pedal freedom was that it was such a colossal pain in the ass to get her to put them back on when the party came to an end. It wasn't impossible but more often than not she'd ended up getting a piggy back ride back to her room. She was lucky she was such a little thing.

I shook my head to clear out memories of her wrapped around my back with her strawberry scented hair blushing against my neck as her tequila laden breath caressed my ear while she whispered to me. The last thing I needed was to be sporting wood when I talked to her.

The great thing about drunk Bella was that she talked, a lot. Sober Bella usually kept her thoughts to herself and had only revealed little parts of what she was thinking. Drunk Bella was totally open and brutally honest, she didn't hide and she didn't try to spare anybody's feelings. It was awesome and hilarious.

As I watched her get closer to my door I wondered if it made me a total bastard that I was going to use her drunkenness to my advantage. I knew there was no way she could resist talking to me and that she'd probably end up telling me something or if I was really lucky quite a few things that she'd regret in the morning. Then I decided that since my beer has probably contributed to her condition it was only fair that I reaped the rewards. I opened the door and watched her approach.

"_Ass_hole, _ass_face, _ass_munch, _ass_hat, _ass_licker."

Well that certainly wasn't what I'd been expecting to hear.

"Asswad?" I threw out as both a greeting and a peace offering. I didn't know why she was making a list of words that began with "ass" but it couldn't hurt to help right?

She stopped and cocked her head to the side. "_Ass_wad? Asswad." She repeated trying the word out. Then she started laughing hysterically and I got a bad feeling. "Ass_ward_!"

"No! No, Bella! I said 'ass_wad!'"_

"Too late, Assward."

Shit. Less than two minutes in and the conversation was not going as I'd expected.

I heard growling and looked down to find her little beast was regarding me with doggy distain. I curled my lip back at the dog and distantly wondered if I was about to get into some kind of pissing contest with a wiener dog.

"Be nice to Cooper! He's my baby. Aren't you Coopy Poopy?" She cooed at the dog.

"You named your little dog Cooper? As in Mini Cooper?"

"Yep. I'm that damn clever." She was clearly proud of herself.

"Well I guess it's better than Rover."

"You're damn right it is. Here hold this, it's too damn hot in here." She threw the leash to me, which I caught thanks to my ninja quick reflexes, and proceeded to strip off her sweatshirt. Holy hell. Under that sweatshirt she was wearing a thin cream camisole; I could clearly see her bright red bra underneath. I'd always liked how she'd looked in blue, but red was by far my new favorite color on her. Focus Edward! Now is not the time to get caught staring at her breasts or admiring her new curves.

"Why were you wearing a sweatshirt anyway? It's August. Even in Seattle, late summer isn't the right season to wear a sweatshirt."

"I can't figure out how to work the air conditioning control panel thingy."

"I could help." Yes, a chance to show off manly technology skills and spend some more time with her.

"Don't want your help, Assward." Dear God, please let her be too drunk to remember the new nickname that I'd unintentionally given myself. I resolved to just ignore it and hope that she'd move on.

"Oh, umm okay. Well let me know if you change your mind, you know where to find me." I waved at my apartment with one hand while giving her back the leash with the other. I was about to head back into the apartment to lick my wounds when my protective instincts kicked in. I did some quick mental math: half-dressed barefoot drunk Bella + stairs + wandering around our apartment complex alone = not good. Our complex was actually really nice and pretty safe, but Bella's ability to get into trouble was unmatched. I bet if I just let her walk away she'd trip down the stairs, go through a window and break her leg.

"Hang on! I'll go with you." I could see she didn't like that idea very much, this was bad. Drunk Bella was also super feisty Bella. "I need to check my mailbox." There that was plausible. I gave myself a mental pat on the back.

"Whatever." Okay so she wasn't thrilled but I at least she'd agreed, sort of. I checked my pockets to make sure I still had my keys and shut the door.

She made it down the stairs fine, although I had walked pretty close behind her with my hand out ready to catch her in case she needed it.

When we arrived in the lobby I walked over to the wall of mailboxes so I could "check" for mail. Shockingly there hadn't been a second delivery made today. I made a big show of sighing dejectedly and shrugging so that she'd believe my ruse from coming down with her, except when I turned around she was already outside. I quickly followed her and scanned the immediate area for possible dangers; broken glass, dirty needles, poisonous snakes, big foot, whatever, if it was possibly harmful and in a thirty foot radius Bella was sure to find it.

"I'm not a child you know. I don't need you watching out for me Assward." I told myself to take the high road and ignore her new favorite word.

"I'm your friend Bella, that's what friends do. Stop trying to cut me out like this." Oh fuck, talk about speaking before thinking.

"_I'm _cutting _you_ out? Seriously that's the way you want to spin this?" Damn it! Now was so not the time to get into all that shit. I quickly thought of a distraction.

"Oh come one Bella, I just want us to be friend again like we were before. Why can't we go back to freshman year? Remember how much time we spent together and how much we had in common?"

"How much we had in common? Yeah that was tons. Let's see: we were both rejected from our first choice schools, we both had crap roommates, we both had to park our cars in the freshman lot, and we were both double majoring, which shouldn't even count since it's not like we were majoring in the same subjects. That's less than the number of fingers I have on this hand." She waved her left hand at me for emphasis. I briefly thought about arguing that thumbs weren't fingers, but as it probably wouldn't help my case at all I decided to let it go.

"Well it seemed like a lot back then I guess and don't forget about the swimming." How was drunk Bella talking circles around me?

She snorted at me, not even bothering to mention that she'd only ever come to that one practice.

I made myself look dejected; it was a little too easy. "I'm sorry we lost touch. I know it's my fault, it's just that you were such an important part of my life back then and now that I've found you again I can't stand the idea of losing you." I peeked up through my eyelashes to see if she was buying any of this. She was facing away from me and toward her dog while he took care of business, but I could see her watching me out of the corner of her eye. Her body language clearly showing that not only was she listening to me, but she was starting to soften up a bit. I quickly looked back down, the last thing I needed was for her to realize how thick I was laying it on.

"We used to have so much fun together and you were always challenging me trying to make me smarter, better. I could really use that in my life again." The scary thing was that part was actually true. Now it was time to hit her with the big guns. I looked up to find that she'd not only turned to face me and was openly looking at me, taking in every word that I said. Gotcha. I gave her the puppy dog eyes that had always melted my mom and gotten Bella to drive me wherever I wanted to go that semester I was without a car, and just let the words flow.

"I just don't understand why you don't want me around now that we've reconnected. It's not like I was horrible or cruel to you."

There was no God. In that moment, I knew it to be an absolute fact. If there was a loving creator out there surely he would have stopped me from saying that last sentence; an earthquake, her dog chasing after a cat, me having a sudden stroke, anything would have been better than bringing up _that_. The best and worst thing I had ever done, or perhaps the worst thing I'd ever done for the best reason and I'd just brought it up, by basically saying it hadn't happened. I really was the world's biggest bastard.

"Fuck you!" She screamed at me and stomped towards the door, little dog in tow. I hoped for his sake that all he'd needed to do was pee. I looked down at my feet because it was easier than watching her walk away.

"You know Edward," I would have preferred Assward at this point. I looked up to find that she had become the cool stranger with a familiar face and sweatshirt from earlier. "There was a time when all I'd wanted to do was push you down and fall on top of you. Now I just want to push you down, onto a pile of dog shit." Then she turned away from me, opened the door and walked away. That was the second time today she'd shut a door on me and left me speechless.

**Apov**

I loved it when Bella drunk dialed me; she was just so darn funny when she was wasted.

"So Bella's toasted huh?" Jasper poked his head out of the kitchen. I couldn't help laughing at his sudden appearance.

"Yeah, I'd say she's had a fair amount of beer this evening. She says 'hi' by the way. How's my dinner coming?" Jazz had taken over all the cooking in the last few weeks, it was sweet but kind of a pain in the butt as he'd become a total food Nazi. I was really starting to miss Burger King and Hamburger Helper.

"It'll be done in about fifteen or twenty minutes. So did she have a particular reason for calling or did she just call you because your name is first in her phonebook?"

"She saw Edward Cullen today. I guess he lives in her building."

"Edward Cullen? Seriously? Oh man that guy had the best pot connections on campus."

"Jasper!"

"What? Don't be such a prude; you know I wasn't a saint in college. Plus, it's not like you never got high."

"Alright, touché but that's all in the past now, you hear me mister?" I smiled up at him and rubbed my belly. Taking the cue from me, he walked into the room and gave me a quick kiss before putting his hand over where our baby was growing. I was just over two months pregnant and wasn't showing yet, thank God. I so wasn't looking forward putting on the weight, even if it meant that I was going to be a mommy. We were planning on telling everyone at Bella's housewarming. Jazz had been worried when I'd told him about my announcement plan, but I'd assured him that Bella wouldn't mind. She'd always hated being the center of attention even if it was at her own party.

"So how's Bella with seeing Edward again. I know she's always had a thing for him."

"Actually she said that she realized he was a total douche."

"Hey, are you going to be kissing our baby with that mouth?!"

"You bet your ass I am." I said with a grin. "I'm a little worried about this whole Edward situation though. He's the only person I know of who can really mess with her head like that."

"Well Bella's a grown up now. I'm sure she'll be fine, but if it will make you feel better Emmett and I could always slip out of the party and talk to him, make sure he knows we still have her back. Now why don't you come and help me make a salad to go with dinner?" He said and shepherded me into the kitchen.

We were cuddling on the couch watching a DVD after a delicious dinner of lasagna and salad when my phone rang. I checked the id and saw that it was Bella again.

"Hey, you know you already called me once tonight right? Everything okay?"

"We shall call him Assward." She said and hung up.


	4. White Lies

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or its characters; Stephanie Meyer does. I also do not own the words or music to "Dammit" those belong to Mark Hoppus, Tom DeLonge, and Scott Raynor nor do I own the words or music to "In the Air Tonight" those belong to Phil Collins.

A/N: Welcome back. Did you miss me? I meant to update sooner but I simply couldn't tear myself away from the Olympics long enough to remember what was going on with my own story. I had no idea that hockey and cross-country skiing could be so exciting. Thankfully it's over now and NBC can stop holding my TV hostage. As per usual I am sans-beta, so I apologize for any mistakes you may come across. Thanks as always to Jessica for taking time out of her busy life to encourage me. This week's celebration libation of choice is bottle of Double Chocolate Stout. I have high hopes for its tastiness.

* * *

And it's happened once again  
I'll turn to a friend  
Someone that understands  
Sees through the master plan

But everybody's gone  
And I've been here for too long  
To face this on my own  
Well I guess this is growing up -"Dammit" by Blink 182

**Bpov**

"No."

"Absolutely, not."

"I can't believe you did that! You know how I feel about it. It's horrible and disgusting and totally inappropriate."

"I was there and I saw what you did. I saw it with my own two eyes, so you can wipe. . . Fuck."

It was official, not only was I carrying on yet another one-sided conversation, but I'd also managed to throw some Phil Collins into the mix. I wondered if that was a sign that I needed some serious psychiatric help. I quickly decided it wasn't, it's not like I'd been quoting John Tesh or Vanilla Ice.

Cooper let out yet another yelp and threw himself against the side of his kennel again, all the while staring up at me with his big amber eyes. He was such a little shit eating bastard. Normally he only went in his kennel for trips and sleeping, but I honestly couldn't stand to have him anywhere near me at the moment so it was into the kennel he'd gone and he was none too happy about it. The best part was that his kennel was a lovely shade of pink, sure I could have butched it up for him a bit, but I'd totally plastered the thing with rainbows, hearts and unicorns. It looked like it had been picked out and decorated by a third grade girlie girl, which I had to admit I really loved about it.

It confused the heck out of vet techs whenever I'd had to take him in for shots or a checkup. The look on their faces was always priceless. They knew from the chart that Cooper was a boy but when they would see the kennel they always did a double take and recheck the chart. I of course never offered up any kind of explanation. Besides Coop's a dog, it's not like he had idea how girly his little carrier and current prison was.

I turned away from him and walked over to my laptop. I googled whether it was safe to give a dog some Listerine, but the responses were too mixed for me to actually chance it. Damn.

Why on today of all days did he have to eat poop and in front of the talkative Mrs. Cope as well? Apparently, someone in the building didn't understand the need to bring a plastic bag with them to clean up after their dog. Maybe Edward had a dog? He's so the type of guy who'd think he was too good to pick up dog droppings.

Actually that was kind of a blessing, maybe now she'd think twice before coming up to me to talk about her grandkids and potholders for forty-five minutes. That woman just did not know when to stop talking. At least the timing of he's little tasty treat was good, I'd been making excuses to leave the conversation for a minimum of ten minutes, but the old woman was having none of it. I'd gotten the feeling that she was leading up to something and I'd been right when she'd asked if I'd met "the dapper young man" who lived down the hall from me. I can only assume she meant Assward. Just as I was attempting to craft a reply that wouldn't cause her to stroke out and die, she gasped and looked thoroughly disgusted.

For a second I'd been worried that I'd actually been saying the offensive things instead of just thinking them, it had been known to happen before after all. Then I realized she wasn't staring at me. I followed her line of sight and sure enough there was my precious baby, chowing down on a random turd like it was a freaking peanut butter Twix.

My first reaction was to retch a little.

My second was to scream "NO!" and drag him way from his little crap buffet.

The little beast hadn't even had decency to look ashamed! No, he'd just gave me his best innocent "What did I do something wrong?" look and then lunged for his impromptu mid-afternoon snack again.

He did _not _get seconds.

This had not been Cooper's first foray into the world predigested delights. It was a carry over from his first home and something the vet had warned me about, but just because I'd been forewarned didn't mean I found it any less disgusting. I'd only caught him doing it twice before but it had been almost a year since the last time and stupid me had figured that meant he was cured. Guess I was wrong.

Being a responsible dog owner and decent human being, I cleaned up after Cooper and the other nameless dog with a jack-hole for an owner before heading back inside. By the time I was done Mrs. Cope was long gone, I guess gossipy old ladies could move pretty fast when they wanted to.

Now I was trying to figure out what to do with my lovely little excrement eater. My apartment warming was due to start in less than forty-five minutes. My original plan had been to let him run around and greet people. I knew eventually he'd get tired or overwhelmed and settle himself back in he's kennel, the problem with that plan was that he's a really cute little thing and I was sure people would want to pick him up and hold him. Cooper was a total cuddle whore and he always repaid the snuggles with a lick or two. I couldn't in good conscience let my friends receive dookie tainted puppy kisses.

I decided that I would just tell them not to let him lick them because he had a gross tooth, hopefully the threat of doggy gingivitis would be enough to put my friend on high alert.

After a short stare-down and a quiet growl from me to let him know how seriously pissed off I was, I let him out of his kennel. All of his yelping was giving me a headache anyway.

As I set out the various snacks I'd prepared for the party I scanned my apartment one last time to make sure it was presentable. Yesterday had been a bit of a waste. I'd spent most of the morning in bed trying to convince myself that I wasn't hung-over, it was just bad allergies or the start of a cold but by eleven I'd stopped lying to myself and had returned to unpacking and decorating. I'd like to say that my design aesthetic said fun-and-funky-mildly-traveled-book-and-art-loving-woman, but it probably just said I-like-to-read-and-shop-at-Target. I'd know how successful I'd been when Alice showed up, the look on her face when she first saw my apartment would say it all.

God, I was so excited to see her again. I hadn't seen her or Rose since May when they'd come out to visit me for a girl's weekend. We'd gotten really drunk three nights in a row, they'd told me all about the supposed joys of being married, and I'd suffered in silence through a mani-pedi. I _hated_ the feel of emery boards when they filed my nails and my feet are so ticklish that it had taken all my will power not to kick the poor woman in the face.

Angela and Ben were also going to make an appearance. I think the last time I saw them was just after little Sophie was born about two years ago. I'd been in the area for Rose's wedding and to visit Charlie. Sophie was one cute baby, which was saying something since I usually think they either look like monkeys or aliens. Angela had told me that they would be leaving Aiden and Sophie with her mom, since she was the only one of my friends who had kids. I had pretended like I was sad when she told me, but secretly had been relieved.

Chelsea was going to catch a ride with Jessica and her new girlfriend Bree. Thank God, Jessica had finally wised up and dumped Lauren's crazy ass. Lauren had been my first roommate at school and a total wackjob. She was a bi-polar, bulimic, bi-sexual, that sleep ate, and only wore the color pink; living with her had been a total nightmare. Poor Jessica had caught her cheating on her during our senior year with the world's weirdest twins: Alec and Jane. I'd never been entirely clear if it had been a threesome kind of thing or shifts and I honestly didn't want to know. I hoped Jessica's tastes had improved and Bree would treat her right.

Chelsea was my official "single girl" friend. She always had the best date-gone-wrong stories. We'd met when Alice had been recruited to the crew team to be a coxswain for the men's team, Chelsea had also coxed but for the women. Chelsea and I had bonded over our mutual love of John Mayer and cheap romance novels. Our last year at school we'd hosted an awesome radio show. I'd like to think our show had been pretty popular but neither of us had cared, we'd always just enjoyed the music and pretending we were cool.

With all the snacks artfully arranged and about twenty minutes to go before I'd told people to show up, which meant that Alice and Jasper would be showing up any second, I checked my "party playlist." I'd carefully crafted it so that it was full of not only great music, but all of the songs were good background music so that none of them would impinge on conversations. I'd also gone through and removed any and all songs that made me think of Edward in anyway.

I hadn't seen him since he'd ambushed me on Thursday, but that might have had something to do with the fact that every time I walked past his door I gave it the finger and a look that said "approach me and I _will_ punch you in the crotch." I didn't even know if he'd been in his apartment but it felt great each time I did it.

The whole time I'd been setting up and checking over things Cooper had been following me around like a lost child. I was sure he wanted me to pick him up and cuddle him but that just wasn't in the cards for him today. Just as I was gently nudging him away with my foot for what felt like the four hundredth time since I'd set him free there was a knock on my door. We both went to investigate; his progress was just a bit louder since he barked the whole way there.

Sure enough it was Alice and Jasper. Alice and I did the squealie girlie bouncy hug thing and Jasper gave me an excellent boy-hug. In my opinion there were few things better than a good hug from a hot guy that smelled nice. Jaspers hugs were great, but Emmett's were freaking out of this world, not that I'd ever tell either of them that. Emmett was just designed for hugs, he was big, warm, and squeezed just enough to make you feel safe and secure but not so much as to make you worry about being crushed to death.

I watched Alice's reaction closely as she took in my apartment. I was thrilled when her face reflected approval.

Alice handed me a pan of brownies to put out. She had masterminded a plan where everyone would bring over some kind of food and leave the leftovers, recipe, and the pan for me as a welcome back present. It was kind of a cool idea even if my kitchen was pretty well stocked and I had a pretty wide selection of different recipes I'd mastered over the years.

"No way! Those aren't . . ." I asked totally shocked.

"You bet they are. We decided that we could trust you with the secret recipe." Alice said.

"These are Nana Whitlock's brownies from heaven?"

They just laughed at me and nodded.

I'd only had them once before at Alice's bridal shower. They had been so good I'd tried to steal the pan just so I could lick the crumbs and I'd literally begged Nana Whitlock on my knees for the recipe. While she had been amused by my antics, she had politely informed me that the recipe was for family only. Alice had received it shortly after the wedding and had held it over my head for years. Bitch.

"We decided you deserved a big reward for moving your stubborn ass back out here where you belong!"

"Thanks Alice. I feel the love." I said with a snort. Had I mentioned I missed her?

"Oh guys by the way, umm maybe don't let Cooper lick you. He's got a gross tooth and needs to get his teeth cleaned soon." They both looked mildly grossed out but not totally disgusted. Mission accomplished.

It took a while for everyone else to filter in but the conversation never lagged. It was great to see everyone again and fun to see what they brought me. My favorite was from Chelsea who had handed me a new Starbucks' tumbler and a gift card, declaring that she didn't cook but she knew her coffee.

~*~*~

"So I'm just leaving the parking lot right? And he sends me this text, which I thought was kind of cute since we'd just exchanged numbers and all. It says 'we should hook up some night.' which is cool but it can kind of have two meaning you know? I was trying to decide which he meant when he sends me a second text and it says 'I want to fuck you so hard right now.' I seriously wonder if he thought that would make me turn around and drive back to the bar!"

Chelsea's stories of dating woes never failed to amuse at a party. All of the married girls were all laughing and making comments about how glad they were to be out of the dating game. I couldn't wait to get out on the town with Chelsea, the single men of Seattle had no idea what has headed their way.

"Speaking of reasons it's good to be settled down . . . Jazz and I have an announcement."

What the hell? Why was Alice stealing my thunder? This was _my_ party, _my_ triumphant return to the Puget Sound; did she really feel the need to make the night about her? I raised a slightly angry eyebrow at Jasper. It was the equivalent of saying "Really, Jazz? You can't control your woman?" He's grin slipped a little and he had the grace to look a bit guilty.

"WE'RE HAVING A BABY!" Alice shrieked.

Well she might not have shrieked it but it sounded like it to me. I knew I must have looked shocked and tried to arrange my features into something that resembled happiness but on the inside I was chanting "no."

I did the dutiful friend thing, hugging Alice and Jazz telling them congratulations and how happy I was for them, but I secretly hated them. I'm sure Alice noticed something was up with me; she gave me a weird look. I'd probably get a call from her later tonight or tomorrow.

The thing is Alice and I had promised each other that we would have kids at the same time so we could raise them together. Alright so we'd been drunk at the time and the conversation had been years ago, but all I could think was that she was leaving me behind in a big way. Besides a promise is a promise. Everyone knows kids change everything, now all we'd talk about was her gross pregnancy stuff and then when that was over it would be all about the kid. I didn't want to hear about dirty diapers or spelling tests. Dear God, what if she wanted me to be in the delivery room with her?!

I wondered if it was too late to move back to Florida.


	5. Party Conversations

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or its characters; Stephanie Meyer does. I also do not own the words or music to "Time" those belong to David Gilmour, Nick Mason, Richard Wright, and Roger Waters.

A/N: Hmmm I think I might be back to the empty auditorium. I'd like to thank Rpatz-Wifey for forcing me out of my hermit cave by poking me with a sharp stick made out of flattery and encouragement. I tried to respond to your review with a pm, but ff said you'd disabled them, so I thought an up-date would be an appropriate thank you. Also thank you to Jessica who has put up with me saying "maybe I'll get around to up-dating this week" for far too long, you're a good friend and I'll try to be better. Incase it's been so long that you've forgotten, this story is rated M for a reason, so please don't read it if you're not old enough and just like before this chapter was only proofread by me, sorry for any mistakes you may find.

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day  
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.  
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown  
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.  
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.  
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.  
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun. - "Time" by Pink Floyd

* * *

**Epov**

How dressed up did one need to be to party crash? Was it better to wear jeans that hugged my ass and a tee-shirt that showed off my well defined shoulders and arms, going for the casual 'Hey neighbor can I borrow cup of, oh you're having a party can I come in? Why yes I _do_ look this good all the time.' vibe or maybe I should dress it up a bit and bring a six pack with me, since she seemed to enjoy the last one so damn much, and be all 'Yeah I'm crashing this bitch, deal with it.'?

Oh God, where the hell did all of my testosterone go? Had I really been staring into my closet for the last ten minutes trying to pick an outfit for a party I wasn't even invited to?

The sad and demoralizing answer was yes, yes I had been. It's just that judging by the number of cheerful people I'd spotted heading to Bella's apartment today, she was have a party and she hadn't even bothered to invite me. Bitch.

I really wanted to talk to her again. I knew that I needed to get started making up for my fuckups, but every time she'd left her apartment she'd given a big 'Fuck You' to my door and had been wearing a look that clearly made violent threats against my favorite part of my anatomy.

I sighed and tugged at my hair a little. I really need to pick something to wear and get my ass in gear. Shit why was this so hard? Goddamn Bella for turning me into a giant fucking girl and messing with my head like this!

I was seriously contemplating sticking my hand into my jeans to make sure that Mason and the Stone Twins were still there, when there was a thundering knock on my door. That's right I named my cock and balls, deal with it.

I quickly glanced down and decided that it was fine to answer the door in jeans and a clean wife-beater. Standing in the doorway was a monster of a man with curly black hair and a tall lanky guy with blond hair. They both looked familiar, but it took me a few long, awkward seconds to place them.

"Oh, hey guys. It's nice to see you and everything but if you're looking for weed, I don't really have the same connections I used to."

They both blinked at me before laughing in my face. Okay, well this was awesome.

"Dude" The big one said, "We're so not here about that, but it's nice to know that you're not a good connection anymore, I guess. We're here about Bella."

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit! They were here to kick my ass for upsetting her earlier. For shit's sake, weren't we too old for that crap? Oh God, what if she told them that I was The Midget Porn Bandit? I knew I shouldn't have drunkenly confessed that to her. Okay clearly I was just going to have to tough it out, besides anybody who left their dorm room unlocked and their computer without password protection deserved to have their wallpaper and screensaver changed.

"Bella?" I squeaked. Fuck, sack up! I cleared my throat and tried again. Thankfully my voice came out normal. "What about her?"

"I'm not sure his connections are as dry as he wants us to think, he looks pretty paranoid to me." The blond one who used to have Alice attached to his face ninety percent of the time said.

"Well you know what a magnificent and intimidating specimen I am, Jazz. He's probably just reacting to my force field of awesomeness. "

Jazz? Oh right, short for Jasper that means that "the specimen" was Emmett. I probably should have remembered their names sooner, but while we'd partied together occasionally and I'd helped them replenish certain supplies when they were running low, we'd never really hung out. That and I'd always referred to them in my head as Alice's and/or Rosalie's boyfriend. That _is_ how they'd been introduced to me "Hey this is Jasper Alice's boyfriend." and how they'd been referred to in conversation "Did I tell you that The Midget Porn Bandit got onto Rose's boyfriend Emmett's computer again?"

"It's alright Little Guy; I'll be leaving soon so you won't have to feel inferior for much longer." He winked at me. _Little Guy_? Really? I didn't remember him being this much of a tool in college. Now I was glad I'd messed with his computer on more than one occasion. He probably left the door open on purpose because he _liked it_, fucking freak.

Jasper seemed to sense that my mood was going south quickly and they were about to get a face full of door. He punched The Specimen on the arm.

"Emmett stop fucking with him. Look Edward, we just wanted to come over and ask you to keep an eye on Bella. You know since you'll be living down the hall from her now."

"Ummm guys I don't know if you've noticed, but she seems to have grownup plenty since the last time I saw her. Plus she made it pretty damn clear that she could take care of herself just fine when I talked to her earlier in the week."

Jasper tried to bite back a snicker but failed. I guess Bella had shared part of our conversation with Alice. Fucking super.

"It's true that she's come a long way from the clumsy co-ed of yore." Yore? Really Jasper? I cocked an eyebrow at that one and he flushed a little. I guess he was still playing Dungeons and Dragons on the weekends. Nerd. He cleared his throat before continuing. "Look the point is Bella has changed a lot since college, but she's still a single woman living alone. I'd hate for her to get mixed up with any assholes or bad situations."

He paused for a minute and gave me an assessing look. I could practically hear him thinking 'Yeah you were lumped into the asshole category years ago, Assward.' Great now I'm imagining that everyone is using Bella's new nickname for me.

"Here's mine and Emmett's cell numbers in case there's ever an emergency or something." He handed me a piece of paper.

"Okay, I guess I can do that for you guys." It's not like I wasn't going to be keeping an eye out for Bella anyway, not in the way they were asking but still this almost gave me a legitimate reason to be stalking, err _looking out for_ her.

"Right, now that this shit is done let's get back to the party, I want to another brownie or two. Goodbye Little Man and don't fuck this up!"

I perked up a bit, since I was doing these guys a favor, clearly they could do me a solid and invite me to the party. Sweet, it looked like there would be no crashing for me!

"So about this party-"That was as far as I got before they both laughed in my face, again.

"No fucking way dude!"

"Not a chance, Bella's already a little pissy at the moment and I'm not bringing that shit down on me, just because you feel like party crashing. If I were you, I'd turn my ass around, go back into my apartment and forget that there's anything going on over there tonight. That is unless you want your baldheaded giggle stick ripped off and fed to her little dog." With that Jasper spun around, grabbing Emmett as he went and pulling him along back toward Bella's apartment.

Emmett smiled cheekily over his shoulder and waved at me. "See you around Assward!"

Mother fucker, she fucking told them!

Bitch.

I slammed the door and double-timed it across my apartment into my kitchen. I deserved a beer or three after that bullshit.

**Bpov **

Must. Not. Punch. Pregnant. Friend.

Be a grown up Bella, remember that Alice was just excited and wanted to share her news, not steal your thunder. Yeah I'd been repeating that and other similar phrases and mantras over and over to myself for the last twenty minutes or so but it hadn't really helped much. I was still feeling bitchy and shoved aside at my own damn party.

As soon as Alice had made her announcement, the attention had basically shifted to her and baby related talk. Chelsea and I were the only ones hanging back after the initial congratulations and hugs were given out. I think it had something to do with us being the only single people in the room. We'd spent most of the time trying to synch up our schedules so that we could go out on the town a.k.a. the prowl. We figured we were both free the Saturday after next, since I was going home to visit Charlie and Sue next weekend. I was already looking forward to it since Chelsea was always a blast and I knew I would need to blow off some steam after the orientation meetings I'd have to do for my new job that week.

I was thinking about how lucky I had been to be offered the position, especially with the economy being as craptacular as it was, when Angelia and Ben came up to me to say their goodbyes. They needed to pick up the little monsters, umm munchkins from her mom's house before it got too much later. Ange explained that Sophie was in a phase where she "had a lot of anxiety about sleeping anywhere beside her own bed." I tried to be sympatric about it but I couldn't really relate. I didn't even know kids could get anxiety about shit like that. I mean they took naps at school and stuff didn't they?

I walked them to the door and gave them each a hug goodbye. Ben's ranked at three out of ten, he's kind of scrawny and it was one of those awkward one arm side a-frame hugs. Blah! That shit was almost worse than getting no boy hug at all.

When I turned around Alice was right behind me. She had that look on her face, the one that told me she had noticed my attitude and we were about to sort our shit out.

"Your bedroom?"

I shrugged and led the way. 'Please let this be simple,' I prayed as I closed the door behind us.

"Why do you hate me and my baby?" Alice wailed and burst into tears.

Fuck. Of course this could not be easy. I didn't even know if the crying was a pregnancy hormone thing or just Alice. She was the queen of crocodile tears when it suited her, but if I called her out on it and she wasn't faking I'd have to deal with her getting angry on top of the tears. No fucking thank you.

"Ally, I don't hate you or your baby! I just don't understand why you felt like now was the best time to announce your happy news. I mean I just got back and this party was supposed to be about _welcoming me back home_, why the hell did you feel like you had to make it about you? Was it not a fun enough party for you is that it? I just do not understand why you couldn't let me have this. I mean if you wanted to announce it at _my_ party then why didn't you just ask me ahead of time?"

Shit now I was starting to tear up, but at least Alice's had stopped. In fact, she was staring at me with her mouth hanging open a little bit. I guess my rant must have shocked her into silence. It wasn't the first time I'd managed it but it felt just as sweet.

The next thing I knew she'd launched herself at me and was crying again.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to be selfish! I thought you wouldn't want the attention on you, plus everyone was here and it seemed perfect."

"Alice, I know that I hate to celebrate my birthday and I'm not a big fan of people staring at me, but this was something I had planned so I knew what to expect. I know we haven't spent tons of time together since I left for Florida, but you need to realize that I'm not the same person that I was before I left and you don't need to protect me anymore."

"I know! Really I do, I was just trying to help. It seemed like a good idea. I guess I should have listened to Jasper. Oh he's going to be such a dick about this. He just _loves it_ when he's right and I'm wrong."

And now she's pouting, damn she's all over the place tonight. I giggled a little as we broke the hug and each took a step back.

"Well I'm not an expert but I'm guessing you can play the 'I'm pregnant with you baby, don't screw with me' card or the 'go ahead gloat but you're not getting any' card."

She thought about it for a bit and then actually looked a little deflated. "I don't think I can this time." She sighed. "I'm trying to save up the first one for midnight cravings and when we're shopping for the baby stuff or the nursery. The second one is totally out of the questions because these freaking pregnancy hormones are making me so horny! I'm like a panther in heat and he knows it! He'll never buy it."

"A panther? Really?"

"Well I'm sure as shit not a cougar Bella!"

"So you're saying you're like a jungle cat? What does that mean, you like pounce on him all the time? Or you hunt him down?" Okay I admit it, I was a little intrigued by this part of the whole pregnancy thing.

"In a word? Yes! Also, clearly I'm a panther because I have black hair."

Right.

"Alright well I feel like we can be done with this conversation now. Next time you want to hijack one of my parties just make sure to warn me ahead of time okay?"

Alice nodded vigorously and smiled up at me.

"Yeah I think we're good. Actually, I think it's time I grabbed Jasper and we got out of here before I go all 'panther' on him in your apartment." I cringed as she looked up at me with faux innocent eyes. "Unless you'd like us to christen your new apartment for you?"

"Two words Alice: Fuck. No. Let's go find your baby daddy."

We left the room and I immediately noticed two things. The first was that Emmett and Jasper were just coming into my apartment, which was weird but maybe they were looking for Alice. The second was that the party was definitely winding down. It probably had something to do with the hostess having disappeared for an indeterminate amount of time.

First Alice stole my party, then she killed it. I wasn't even pissed about it, since I was starting to get pretty tired. The move, unpacking, and party preparations had taken a lot out of me.

Jessica, Bree, and Chelsea took off pretty soon after my conversation with Alice.

Rose and Alice helped me wash and dry the dishes, while the boys made a trip outside to drop off the garbage and recycling for me.

They only hiccup in our cleaning was when Jasper, who was collecting the recyclables tried to remove my victory beer bottles from their place of honor on my shelf. I quickly stopped him and put the bottles back with the reverence they deserved. Of course then I had to explain to everyone I was "keeping random empty bottles." I don't think they understood, but were willing to go with it, after a few looks between themselves that clearly said 'don't upset the crazy lady.'

The foursome finally left after another round of hugs and promises to see each other soon. Emmett officially won my secret best guy hug contest with his goodbye hug. It was partially due to the fact that he'd whispered to be that he was glad I was home and that he was going to take me mini golfing soon, which was something that just the two of used to do during finals to blow off steam.

It took me a while to find Cooper so that I could take him out for the night before getting ready to go to bed. I thought I'd find him curled up in his kennel napping, but instead he was under the table licking a stray plate. I had no idea how it could have gotten under there unless someone had deliberately put it there. My money was on Emmett, at least if it was him he would have made sure that whatever treats were on were dog safe food since he had one at home.

After short scuffle that involved growling (on Cooper's part) and some snarling (on mine) I finally gained possession of the plate and got his leash on him.

As we walked past Assward's apartment I could hear Pink Floyd playing. Hearing it sucked me back into memories of us chilling in his dorm room, when he'd first introduced me to their music. We'd laid next to each other on the floor with the lights off while late afternoon light had filtered through the semi-open blinds and listened to Dark Side of the Moon all the way through without speaking. I'd loved it, all except for the woman's solo on "The Great Gig in the Sky" because I was sure she was being murdered or something.

I shook of the nostalgia and the urge to knock on his door so that we could listen together like old times and kept walking. I did give his door my now customary salute but I couldn't work up a good glare.

Thankfully Coop was relatively quick doing his business; I think the party must have tuckered him out too.

On our way back inside I started fantasizing about climbing into bed, I was so focused on my goal that I almost missed the paper that was taped to my door.

At the top it said "Dear Bella" then underneath was a surprisingly well done, considering the short amount of time we'd been outside, drawing of a hand giving the finger (well one of his majors had been art) with "back at you! P.S. You could have invited me to your party." written underneath. It was signed with a disgustingly fancy cursive "E" just so I would be absolutely sure who had put it there, as if there was any doubt.

I found myself laughing as I pulled the paper off my door and unlocked it to let myself in.

Game fucking on, Cullen.

* * *

A/N #2: I really hope that none of you were disappointed by this chapter, especially after having to wait so long for it. The Midget Porn Bandit was a real person that operated at my school, although I never found out their secret identity. Basically they would wander the dorms to see if people had left their doors unlocked (many of us did) and if you had a computer that wasn't protected they would change your wallpaper and screen saver to images of little people getting their groove on. They even left a nice little note behind, letting you know that they'd done it and it wouldn't happen again if you were just smart enough to lock your door when you left.

In other more serious news I'm sure many of you like me have been glued to your TVs the last few days watching the tragic images coming out of Japan. I lived there for three years and I can tell you it's an amazing country with a strong people and rich culture. This fandom is fantastic and I'm sure at this very moment there is some caring and well organized person setting up some kind of fundraiser, like the one we had for Haiti. If you hear about anything like this please let me know as I would dearly love to participate. Thanks.


	6. Escalation

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or its characters; Stephanie Meyer does. I also do not own the words or music to "Gives You Hell" those belong to Nick Wheeler and Tyson Ritter.

A/N: I swear it's not now nor has it ever been my intention to up-date this story once a year. I just keep getting distracted by all the amazing stories here and the next thing I know a whole year has passed. Really, I'm going to try my very best to slow down on the reading and get back to writing. Special thanks as always got to my fabulous friend and prereader Jessica. Also, a big thank you go to Kgunter34 and .xy for reviewing. I can't remember if I actually sent either of you a thank you pm or if I just thought about it and then didn't follow through (something I do often) so I thought a shout out here would probably be a good idea. Still no beta, so again I apologize for any mistakes you may come across. If I had one I'd probably up-date faster because somebody would be bugging me to up-date, but the downside is somebody would be bugging me all the time, which frankly sounds like a massive pain in the ass.

Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself

Yeah, where did it all go wrong?

But the list goes on and on

And truth be told I miss you

And truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

When you walk my way

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell – The All-American Rejects

**Bpov**

Things had escalated unexpectedly, which is why I now found myself driving onto a ferry a day early.

Yes, I was running home to my daddy, not that Charlie could protect me, but after launching my most recent volley in our little war, I was too scared to stay and see what he would do in response. Yeah, I'm a chicken shit.

~*~*~ Four Days Earlier ~*~*~

After finding Edward's little "love note" on my door Saturday night, I had decided I needed to respond in kind. Well, I classed it up a bit, because that's just the kind of chick I am. I dug around until I found the thank you notes that I'd purchased after finishing my PhD. I'd always found it funny that as flakey as Renee was, she was oddly fastidious when it came to thank you notes. I'm pretty sure the only reason she'd agreed to let me go to preschool was so I could learn how to write my name sooner, so I'd stop signing them with scribbles and doodles. I sat down at my newly assembled desk, with Cooper curled up on my right foot and with my fanciest handwriting set to work.

My Dearest Assward,

I did think about inviting you to my party, but I checked the terms of my lease there is a clause against fuckwits, so clearly you are not allowed on the premises. In fact, I now find myself wondering how you got your apartment at all; clearly you must have lied on your application. Shame on you. Thank you for the beer by the way, it was ever so tasty, too bad you didn't get to have any. Don't worry I sanitized all of the bottles before I drank from them, as I am sure they were covered in all manner of STDs just being in your presence.

Go fuck yourself.

Bella

I was so proud of myself as I read through my note before stuffing it in a matching envelope, I even got extra fancy and sealed it with a foil sticker with a cursive letter B embossed on it.

I looked at the clock and realized that while it was past midnight, my letter writing had left me strangely energized. I thought about cleaning up, but since everything from the party had already been either washed or tossed out, that just left vacuuming. I hate vacuuming. It's so loud and Coop hates it, like really hates it. Whenever I drag the vacuum out I either have to deal with him following me around and basically trying to kill it while I push the damn thing around or he huddles on the couch in a fort of throw pillows shaking and looking at me like I've just told him he's going to get neutered. Again. So not worth it just to burn off some extra energy.

I thought about delivering my note, but Edward had been a night owl in college and I didn't feel like actually talking to him.

All of a sudden I heard Charlie's voice in my head quoting one of the many Aesop's fables that he used to read me for bedtime stories: "It is easy to be brave from a safe distance." Freaking subconscious I wish you'd shut the hell up and stop using my dad's voice, it doesn't make me anymore likely to listen to you, I thought and huffed. Then I rolled my eyes, because I was talking to myself again.

I gently shook Cooper off my foot, he got up on his feet for about a half a second before flopping over and giving me a the most pathetic look I'd ever seen. I thought about just leaving him there since I knew he'd come find me sooner or later, but as I took a step away he let a little whine and I was forced to turn back and scoop him up. Or at least that was my plan. The little turd clearly had different ideas as he jumped to his feet and took off. He did a couple laps around the couch stopping occasionally to hop around and yip at me, all _Chase me! Chase me!_ I made a few halfhearted grabs for him before plopping down on the couch and turning on the TV. I knew he'd join me when he was ready for more cuddles. The whore.

I flipped through the channels until settling on some Discovery Channel type show about pelicans.

I woke up screaming.

I sat up straight and heard my neck crack as I whipped my head to the right. Cooper was balanced precariously on the back of the couch. He'd been licking my ear, like _inside_ my ear. I wiped furiously at it and hoped there was no lingering poo in his mouth. Gross, just gross.

"See this kind of shit is why you have to sleep in a kennel! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

He totally was.

I don't know when I fell asleep, but when I looked at the television it was clear that the pelicans had been replaced by some kind of infomercial for a magical chopping device.

Hmmm, three in the morning? Yeah I decided it was the perfect time to play mailwoman. I put Cooper to bed, because while he is cute, stealthy ninja-esque missions are not his forte. I snuck down the hall and taped the card to Edward's door then slunk back to my apartment, basking in my victory and finally ready to sleep.

I was so stupid. I don't know why I assumed that my note would be the end of things and we would just go back to ignoring each other. I was even planned to stop giving his door the finger every time I walked past. I could be a grown up.

It's funny to think how wrong I was.

On Sunday afternoon I took Cooper for a nice long walk, it was good for the both of us to stretch our legs and explore our new neighborhood. And, score! There's a fancy cupcake shop just a block in a half away! And, even more epic score: one of their daily offerings is a maple French toast cupcake with a candied bacon topper! That shit tasted so good it was magical. They were even dog friendly. They made their own doggy biscuits. So Cooper and I had stopped for a snack on the way home and had left with two doggy bags, one full of freshly made treats for him and one with a hot cocoa cupcake for me. Yum.

When we got back to our apartment there was nothing on or around the door. Clearly, he got the message; I thought to myself as I juggled getting Cooper's leash and the bags holding our treats into one hand while fishing my keys out of the pocket of my jean shorts with the other. I unlocked the deadbolt and reached for the door knob. I never bother to lock both, which isn't very cop's daughter of me I know, but I've just never really seen the point. I mean if someone was going to break in the little lock in the knob wasn't going to more effective than the deadbolt. Charlie does not agree with me of course. Not that we talk about the state of my door locks all the time or any-

Oh. Dear. God.

I quickly jerked my hand away from the knob, which hadn't turned at all and looked at it. It was shiny. I reached out and gingerly poked at the handle again, this time with just the tip of my index finger. It felt sticky and slimy at the same time. As I leaned in closer I realized that it's been given a thin, if liberal coating of Vaseline!

"Motherfucking, rat-bastard, Assward!" I screamed down the hallway.

His door remained firmly shut, but I swear on all things holy, I could hear him as he laughed his ass off.

"Grow the fuck up!" I yelled toward his door.

My rage was quickly swept away by a rising tide of revulsion, when the sudden memory of Edward extolling the virtues of Vaseline for self-abuse, popped into my head.

And just like that I was back to staring at my hand and hoping that he'd moved on to lotions. One thing was clear, I needed to get into my apartment and wash my hand immediately.

I ended up gingerly putting the key in the lock and using that to turn the knob. Then I'd spent five minutes scrubbing the crap out of my hand before bring a tub of antibacterial wipes into the hallway to wipe off the handle.

That night I ran to the store to grab what I would need for my response, but I knew I'd have to wait until tomorrow when he went out for his morning run.

On Monday I woke up early. Not because Edward usually takes a six in the morning run, but because Cooper decided he had to go outside immediately, or at least that's how I'd interpreted his cries.

While taking Cooper out I was extra vigilant in looking out for any landmines that may have left behind, Cooper would not be getting two breakfasts today. There were quite a few around the building; someone was being very lazy indeed.

After eating breakfast I had to wait for Edward to emerge from his hidey-hole. When he finally appeared, he must have mistakenly thought he'd won because I could hear him singing "We Are the Champions" on his way down the hall. Dumbass, well he wouldn't be so smug when he came back, I thought with a smirk.

I made myself wait twenty minutes before stepping out into the hall. As I walked towards the stairwell I pulled the collar of my tee-shirt up over my mouth and nose and I started spraying the heck out of the hallway. Immediately the smell of gardenias was everywhere as a slowly backed my way down the hall towards Edward's door. Once I got there I made sure to spray all around his door. I checked the bottle and discovered that I'd only used about a quarter, so I decided to really go for it. I unscrewed the cap and splashed some on the carpet at the bottom of his door, maybe I'd get really lucky and some would seep into his apartment too.

I decided to make sure that the hallway was sufficiently saturated so I pulled down my tee-shirt and took a trial sniff. Wow. Well that's sure to get his attention I thought as I trotted back to my own apartment. I was glad that I'd waited to shower until after my payback.

I rushed through my shower so I could be back by my door in time to hear Edward come home. I couldn't remember exactly why he hates gardenias, I think it had something to do with his Grandmother but I just wasn't sure.

"Son of a bitch!" Oh boy Assward was home!

I heard him stomp his way down the hall, bitchin' and whining the whole way. Take that fucker! I fist punched the air and did a happy little dance around my apartment. I even decided that I had earned chocolate cupcake from yesterday.

The rest of the day was pretty mellow. I read a little, played a few games on Facebook, and even took a little nap. Cooper was pretty good except he kept sniffing around the door; I hoped that the gardenia smell wasn't overwhelming his sensitive little nose.

In the early evening I decided it was time to take a little walk and let the Weiner relieve himself. Although "obedience" isn't typically in a dachshund's vocabulary, Cooper was usually pretty good on a leash. The only real issue was that he always liked to lead the way, he doesn't mind if I choose where we're going as long had he gets to be about a foot in front of me. It never really bothered me though because that way I got to watch his cute little paws swish back and forth.

I took a deep breath and held it as I opened the door, hopefully I'd be able to hold it all the way down the hallway.

Cooper charged out ahead of me as usual and that's when all hell broke loose.

The leash was ripped from my hand as Cooper went careening around the hallway. It took me a few seconds to understand what was happening and to process all the noise. Cooper was howling and screeching and down the hallway Edward was laughing so hard he was having trouble holding his phone up, I could only assume he was making a video. The jackass!

He must have put plastic wrap over the bottom part of my door and Cooper had gotten caught up in it as he'd charged out of our apartment. It was stuck around his little face and hooked on his collar, which was scaring the shit out him, literally.

I dashed out into the hallway after him, but he was so freaked out that he didn't want to be caught. So I chased after him, while leaping over or dancing around his fear droppings. The whole time Edward just kept laughing and filming, because God forbid that he actually helped to clean up the mess he made.

I was finally able to herd him into a corner and pull the plastic off him. He was so scared he was shaking. I scooped him up and charged toward Edward.

"Cullen! I'm going to kill you!"

Well the good news was that he didn't seem to think things were all that funny anymore. In fact he looked down right terrified. Good. I didn't even try to stop the smile that spread across my face as I saw his fear grow. That's right dipshit, be afraid, be very afraid, I thought as I stomped towards him.

I had almost reached where he stood and had every intention of kicking him in the junk when he spun around and disappeared inside his apartment, slamming his door behind him. I reached for the knob but found that it was locked.

"Edward! Come out here right now! Stop being such a fucking coward, no more hiding you damn baby!" I screamed as I pounded on the door.

"Ummmm, no. I think it's much better if I stay in here."

"You damn pussy, get your ass out here so I can kick it into next week!"

"Yeah that's not going to happen. But feel free to keep talking dirty to me; you know how much I love it. Oh you should probably get to picking up your little rat's shit, how irresponsible of you to let your animal crap inside!"

"Fucker!"

He just laughed.

I growled and turned back towards my apartment to clean up after my traumatized baby. I keep a little container shaped like a fire hydrant filled with plastic poop baggies clipped to the leash. I cleaned up quickly and decided that Cooper needed to go outside for a bit, hopefully some sunshine would help him calm down.

When we got outside, I put Coop down and he very cautiously started sniffing around. We walked around the back of the building and I saw that there was another dog owner who was also out walking his pet. Normally Cooper would have charge up to the other dog by now, even thought it appeared to be some kind of lab mix and was much larger than him, but today he hung close to me, think it was safe to say that he'd had enough new experiences for a while.

The owner of the other dog looked up and gave me a smile and a wave but couldn't walk over to say hello yet as his dog was busy dropping a load. When his dog had finished up, he strolled over to where I was standing, leaving the crap behind. This must be the guy who thinks he's too good to clean up after his dog, I thought. Well too bad for him I had reached my limit of jackassery for one day.

"Hey" he stuck his hand out for me to shake. "I'm Sam and this is Jake. You must be new." He looked me up and down. I felt nothing but annoyance. Not that he was bad looking, he was tall probably around 6'2" with short dark hair and hazel eyes, but he was certainly nothing to write home about.

"Hi, yeah I'm new, just moved in about a week ago. I'm Bella and this guy is Cooper." I shook his hand, it was weirdly damp and not very firm, tisk tisk, strike two Sam.

"So Sam I have to ask" He looked thrilled that the conversation was continuing, poor man. "Do you always make a habit of inconsiderate negligence by leaving your dog's shit on the grass instead of cleaning it up?"

I looked at said dog and noticed he was standing next to his owner staring at Cooper as my baby sniffed around Jakes paws before peeing right in front of him. Huh, I guess that he was marking his territory.

"Oh . . . ummm . . . well" He shuddered. "The thing is he's a great dog but we've been having some dominance problems lately and when I pick up after him, I think it sends him the wrong message."

"I'm sorry?" I raised an eyebrow in question.

"Yeah it's just that whenever I bend down he tries to mount me, but it's not sexual!" He stressed. "He's fixed and everything. The vet said that it's just a show of dominance, he's trying to be pack leader or something."

"Seriously?" I couldn't help laughing.

"Yeah." He blushed and looked down.

"Well that, sucks Sam, but here's the thing: If you don't pick up after him then I either end up stepping in it or my dog tries to eat it, which is gross. So since neither of those things are remotely awesome for me, it would really help me out if you could manage to deal with the tiny little inconvenience of having to remind your dog that you're in charge and clean up his messes. I'd really appreciate it." I said with my sweetest smile.

"Yeah, I could do that I guess." I could tell he didn't really want to agree but couldn't think of a good reason to say no. We talked for a little while longer and it turned out he lived in the apartment just below Assward's. I made a point to change the topic quickly when he asked if I'd met him yet. We talked for a little while longer before Cooper started tugging on the leash and whining, clearly he was bored with the conversation.

Sam in a surprising astute move took it as his cue to leave. "Well I should be going." He said and started to walk away.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" I asked pointing towards Jake's latest poop.

"Oh, well I don't have a bag so-"

"Not a problem!" I interrupted and plucked one from Cooper's leash for him to use.

"Thanks, I guess" He muttered and went over to the poop.

True to his word the moment he bent down Jake was all over him. It was all I could do not to laugh; the poor guy was probably embarrassed enough as it was. He shoved him off and looked totally mortified. He quickly finished cleaning up and practically ran inside.

"I'm so glad you know your place little man." I said to Cooper. "Now let's head inside and figure out an appropriate punishment for the mean guy who scared you!"


End file.
